Where I am Going to be With My “Invisible Illness”
Part Three of Three

First of all and most important of all, I will get closer to God. I will give him more of my time by studying his Word on a daily basis. I will love more and deeper, I will pray daily, I will definitely have more faith and less hope. Hope and faith cannot be compared, hope is like dreaming or wishing, while faith is believing with your heart, soul and mind in God. Faith is putting your trust in God and knowing that he will provide us with all our needs. Not what we think we need but, what he knows we need. “Mathew 6:34, Take therefor no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”

I will live and appreciate the person that I am. If I can’t learn to love this new me, that’s okay because I know in my heart that Jesus loves me no matter what. I will become more patient, not that I have much say in this. Since my body and mind move so slow these days anyway. I am a work in progress!

I will take the time to smell the roses. Oh! How I will appreciate the beauty that God created for us to enjoy. To sit out on the porch more often and take in the breathtaking sunrises, sunsets, the moon that gives light to us at night and the stars that sparkle and shine above us in the night. Mom always said that each star you see in heaven, represents a person that passed away. I know that we do not go to heaven upon our death, we just go to sleep until judgment day. But I still love mom’s inspirational perspective. 

When I take the time to look around me and see all that He has created and appreciate the beauty God has given us here and now. I find peace and tranquility within those moments that I spend reflecting and awing at the intricate details of all my surroundings from the blade of grass to the towering mountains. This peace and serenity will see me through the trials and tribulations.

I will pray for strength to avoid worrying about things I cannot change and change the things I can. Worrying doesn’t change any outcome of a situation, but prayer and faith can change any and all circumstances. And, I cannot change on my own, I have tried and it didn’t work. But, my studying His word, prayer and totally undoubting faith he can change me from the inside. 

I will contribute to the world with whatever special gift or talent that God sees fit to give me. Throughout my years he has provided with me a great deal of insight and wisdom. Often times I was embarrassed or ashamed to share it, or thought it would be wasted on a particular person. But, that judgment was not mine to make, God would not have provided me that insight if He did not mean for me to use it. I have made a lot of mistakes and bad choices, mainly because I was not listening to God. I tend to think I know what is best and who will accept the knowledge that generously given to me. Every time I used knowledge is a manner I thought was best, it turns out it was either wrong advice or wrong timing.

I don’t know if God as caused these “invisible illnesses” which I have. But, because of these I find myself a lot less judgmental of people. He constantly reminds me that I do not know a person’s story or what they may be going through at any given moment. A homeless person is usually judged to be lazy, unmotivated, wants a handout or they have created their own hardship. Through my experiences: fires that burned our homes to the ground and left us with only the clothes on our backs; a baby who came into the world and called away at 2 months old; 10 years of being heartbroken because we could not have a child; being blessed with a child at a time totally unexpected; the heartbreak of watching a loved one die of a slow painful death; the illnesses I live with each day and blame for some of the actions and decisions I have made. I love these two quotes “don’t judge a book by its cover.” and “don’t judge a person till you have walked a mile in their shoes.” 

People look at me and may talk to me, and generally decide what kind of person I am because of my outward appearance. Most do not take the time to know who I am deep inside. They judge me without knowing my story or history. God has given me the wisdom to know this and desires that I do not judge someone or base my opinion of them by outward appearance. He doesn’t even ask that I learn their story, he requires of me to just freely love and give and leave the judging to Him. He tells us that vengeance is His. 

I will pray earnestly for physical and mental strength to push myself beyond my “invisible illnesses.” I can then be the example, lead others to believe in the power of God. To those who personally know me, no words will need to be said. To people who do not personally know me I can share my story and praise God by giving him the Glory. 

Jesus saith unto him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” John 14:6

This is a letter written to my “in Invisible llnesses.” This was written almost two years ago. I was very angry and extremely depressed because of what had become of my life. All those dreams I had and all those physical activities I had been able to do were gone. I felt like my whole life had been stolen from me and couldn’t imagine what my life would be like at that time and in the future. I am not angry about it now but still have days where I like I am in a deep deep and very dark pit and can’t see anyway I out. I don’t know which bothers me most, the non stop pain, the chronic fatigue that is with me everyday or the problem with breathing if I overdo physical activity. These activities are simple everyday things, doing dishes, laundry, running the vacuum cleaner. 

Dear: “Invisible Illness” this page will one day soon be an obituary for you. I absolutely, positively, HATE you and what you have stole from me. Someday real soon, I will reclaim my body regardless of the damage you have inflicted on it. My body will not be as it once was and I will not be as I once was. But, a new person will find a way to fight you and conquer. My hatred for you, somehow, someway has to beat you!

I really can’t pinpoint when all this began. Before I was pregnant with DJ, I was taking antidepressants. I believe depression is an illness that someone is born with. You don’t just acquire it one day, it may lay dormant in one’s body for awhile and then something happens and wakes it up.

Please, dear readers, please take something from my pages and learn so that you can help anyone who suffers from any illness. People with depression cannot be consoled, just hold them tight and let them know you love them, that really is about all you do for them. And don’t fool yourselves, depression is more than sadness you feel due to a sad event. It is a chemical imbalance in a person’s brain. Don’t ask someone with depression: Why are you sad, what do you have to be sad about? Although, this wasn’t officially diagnosed until 2013. You are despised, hated and must be beat.

Back in 1994 we had a daycare, hopefully you read ”Face One of Three”, I talk about the daycare and how good it was going. Also mentioned was the Stained glass business. Financially were doing great, kinda like riding a bike on a smooth, flat surface. In 1996 I finally got pregnant after 15 years. We were shocked , and ecstatic. But, this threw my hormones way out of whack and this is where my old self died and “Invisible Illness” took over. “Invisible Illness” I know you did this and I let you. Oh, how I hate you!

She had an appointment to see a doctor but, before she could see her saw you through her hormones out of whack. Depression and total confusion took over her very sense of being. She simply woke one morning decided she was going to close the daycare. You didn’t even give her the opportunity to talk to her husband about it. You just jumped in and made her impulsively take action, this was not her it was you. You took over her body and wrote a big sign, took everything that was related to the daycare, put in in the front yard and hung up the sing which simply said “Free.” It’s strange, she didn’t feel any emotion at that time, no sadness, no worries about how her family was now going to pay their, just empty. 

To keep themselves a float for a few months, they had no choice but sell of the Stained glass supplies. Do you have any ides what you caused. They lost their home and are clueless how they will pick up the pieces you so thoughtlessly left for them. 

She continuously went to the doctor with one complaint after another and he ordered medication and all sorts of tests only to find nothing wrong After awhile, she thinks her family physician saw her as a hypochondriac and stopped taking her complaints serious. He still saw her, got his paycheck on Friday, but didn’t seem like he was actually hearing her. She wanted to scream at him! Tell him that something is wrong, are you not listening to me! You are the doctor, you are suppose to heal people when they are sick! Fix me!!!

To get rid of her he referred her to a specialist, a Rheumatologist. Even this doctor cannot defeat you, how did you become so strong. Oh, she know, you are growing stronger by stealing all her energy, hope and dreams. Oh, how I HATE you! One illnesses diagnosis at a time was ruled out until we were left with one diagnosis “Fibromyalgia” thats a NASTY word. In the medical field this is referred to as “garbage bag” term. All of our symptoms get thrown into one garbage bag and that’s it no more testing. The problem with that logic is usually when a trash bag is full, it is tied up and taken to the curb to wait to go to the dump. Well, her symptoms were filling up that garbage bag but, nobody was taking out to the street. The bag just continued to be stuffed, one day that bag is going bust. Why doesn’t somebody just take this dam garbage bag out for the trash man? Oh, why she asks can’t I git rid of you. Go away, I wish Jesus would come down and take you and throw you into the fiery pits of hell. 

In 2009, the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia was official, along with several other illnesses. At first she was glad to finally get a diagnosis, to put a name to on all these symptoms. But after researching for various remedies she realized how meaningless this diagnosis really is. How can you be so strong so as to fool society as well! I She thought she was loosing my mind back then, now she just plain know, she have lost her mind. For 20 years you made her so feel so hopeless, she resorted to drinking and taking prescription medication. Because of you, she became dependent on these to get through each and everyday. Like you didn’t already have enough of her!! Come on stop enough is enough already!! She barely has anything left for you to take!! Won’t you leave her something, please?!!

I guess, she hasn’t lost her mind, she knows where it is, you stoled it. She doesn’t know how to get it back. Her life has been stolen by this illness, you control her mind and her body. You have created a new “her” and she does not like this new person at all. She completely stopped dreaming of a brighter future or of a better life. She no longer wants to grow old with her husband, because she feels like a burden. No longer is this person peppy and full of life. You stole her positive, hopeful disposition. She is defeated and beat down. She is always extremely tired and doesn’t want to fight anymore. You have sucked up all her energy and desire to go out of the house and live. 

You have taken away the desire to do the things that David and her used to love to do. She can’t hike, she can barely walk on flat ground without loosing her balance. She lives in a body wretched with pain every day. She walks like a drunk, always stumbling into things.

You have taken her from a 106 pound person to a 230 pound body, which she can’t stand to look at. You have stripped her of the ability to exercise, so therefore this body is extremely deconditioned. How can she loose weight, you won’t let her exercise. You have drained this body of all energy, stamina and ability to physically be active. You won’t even let her breath enough air for her to take short walks. Why, do you feel the need to continue to torment her!!! Haven’t you been listening! She HATES you! Go away!

Her dream of being a proud recipient of a Master’s degree has vanished. She went from an A student, to one who couldn’t complete research papers, project or homework assignments. You took one of her favorite skills and made into a daily challenge “reading.” What kind of thing are you anyway? She thinks you are a demon sent from Hell! Oh, you just wait and see, someday you will be sent back to where you came from!

Sometime she can’t sleep for days, other times she sleeps for days. She can’t focus, comprehend, can’t think of words when she is talking, sometimes she can’t even follow a conversation. She can’t even pretend to be intelligent, she acts like a dam fool. 
Her ability to be creative and crafty is gone. She can’t knit, crotchet or do anything that requires following directions. Painting, wood carving, wood burning or other such crafts can longer be a part of her. You have made her fingers stiff and painful.

She has panic and anxiety attacks that go on for hours. You made them feel like a heart attack, so she would go to the ER only to appear like a fool. She cries at random moments and for no apparent reason. She is becoming an angry, irritated old hag. She has stopped trying to get people to believe this illness is real and the symptoms as well. She doesn’t even care if people don’t believe this is real, there’s no point. What you do to her body sounds ridiculous even to her, how can she expect others to believe her. You are grinding away at her nerves, she feels like exploding at times. Go away already!!! Please, leave her alone!!!
She even finds herself thinking the unthinkable, suicide, the thought doesn’t even scare her. But, God must have plans for her, because twice she went beyond thinking of suicide. But here she is, both times God sent an Angel to her and prevented her from going through with the suicide. But, thanks to you that thought always lingers in mind. That Angel swoops down and reminds her of who she would be hurting the most, her family. 
You may always be a part of her life. A companion she will always have to live with. As long as she believes you came from the pits of Hell, there must be hope. Because, God never looses a fight!!! Someway, somehow, someday you will no longer control her soul. You have managed to beat down that soul for years. You have quenched the sparks that were way down deep into her very sense of being. She can’t hardly remember who she was before. But, some time real soon, with God’s help you will be defeated

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