I just ran across this i had forgotten all about it.
years ago I wanted to write a book on my life I’m not sure what happened but obviously I quit on it.
Author: Soaring - Eagle
55 years old
married 32 years
2 children, 21 year old daughter, 16 year old son
2 grandchildren, 4 years old Draven Lee, 2 year old Scarlet Rose
Dog named Goober
New Chapter
I haven’t written on this site for many years. But it seems like there is another chapter in our lives to write about when I say our I mean my family and I. Before I can write much I need to learn a lot more info and certainly plan on it. Learning you have a long lost sister and you never knew about is a shock and worth writing about.
Share this:
Abandoned Child
Our family recently found out we have a long lost sister. It is shocking and unbelievable at first because you wonder why did my mother never mention this. But the more I think about it and childhood events the more it makes sense to me. I can understand now why she did and said some of the things she did. I wrote this a long time ago, but it seemed like a good time to put it out here.
Many years ago, I want to say in the late 70’s early 80’s, there was a great deal of discussion among Oprah and other talk shows. That must have been a result of the shift in thinking about child rearing. My mother’s and her mother the motto was, “spare the rod spoil the child.” My mother ruled with an iron fist, no back talking, no questioning “why?” and most definitely no bribery. My father left when I was seven, it broke up what I thought was a great, happy family. I felt secure, safe and our family was not wealthy, but I thought our life was comfortable.
What stands out more than anything to me, is the fact that my mother never discussed this topic with us kids while growing up. She worked 2 full-time jobs a week to provide for us. Although we had all of our physical needs met, we lacked emotional security. I didn’t know it then, but I know now she was under a great deal of stress trying to raise 6 kids on her own. She reached a point where she had no patience with us kids. First, the yelling came then followed by what I thought were beatings.
We did have many good times as a family: Indiana Beach annual visits, get together every holiday. Mom used to love to take rides out in the country sightseeing. And I love her very much, do I wish my life had been more stable, secure and nurturing but it is what it is. I always wonder if I had had a different kind of childhood would my life be better now, would I have been more successful? These questions are a waste of time and energy because there no answers and the past cannot be changed.
So, I guess that explains why I read about abandonment issues, physical and emotional abuse. My point in writing on this topic isn’t to lay blame on either parent but to raise awareness of how the child suffers through a divorce and/or abuse. I do believe a single parent can raise a child to be a healthy emotional adult. To do so, the parent must be willing to put their child’s emotional and physical needs before their own. In doing so they if they do not involve a therapist, then read and gain knowledge to understand what your child is experiencing and will in the future as well.
Emotional Abandonment does not have to be a physical act, such as leaving When a parent withdraws emotionally from the child either because of her own childhood issues or from other mental health issues. The reason doesn’t matter as far as the child’s emotional health is concerned. A child often tells themselves: My parent left me I am not loveable. Or the child feels guilty, believing he did something “so bad” that it made the parental leave.
Being abandoned can cause life long damage to someone. Their self-esteem suffers, fear of being abandoned by a spouse when married, depression, feeling worthless and feeling like a bother to friends and family. Even after years of counseling many the scars are still there, and if one isn’t careful or on guard those scars open again. Another common issue is attachment disorder, which causes them to have difficulty forming long lasting bonds with others.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/139877-effect-child-abandonment-children/
Share this:
Father and Son
Father and Son
One resides in beautiful California. One lives in Indiana a scenic state as well.
One is raising a family of 2. One decides not to have a family of his own.
One shares his love and talent for music with his family. One shares his passion and devotion to his mother.
One is reserved, quite and has a soul that runs as deep as an ocean. One is boisterous, loud and full of adventure and mischievous.
One seeks success in the professional work world. One chooses a simple but fun-filled world.
One takes care of his mother-in-law in her time of need. One takes care of his mother in her time of need.
One day their souls connected after 35 years of living their own separate lives.
One is laid to rest after a long, painful battle with cancer.
One will embrace this moment and fondly remember his son.
Share this:
The Origin of Christmas Tradition
If you enjoy celebrating Christmas in the spirit and manner you have been doing for years, then you probably don’t want to read this.
Christmas
I have celebrated Christmas in the traditional sense for many years. This a tradition has been handed down through generations. I always thought I was celebrating Jesus birth, I never questioned what I was taught about Jesus and Christmas. What was I going to do, question my mothers believes or even the churches believes?
Recently, I began to study the Bible and have been amazed at the truth that I am finding in God’s Word. One verse I seem to continuously be brought back to is:
11 Timothy 2:15
15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of the truth.
This made me realize I should be questioning everything I believe and have been taught on religion. God is going to hold me accountable for my actions, regardless who teaches them to me, so I better make sure that the traditions and rules I obey are from God and his Word.
I ask myself as I study, am I reading God’s word and interpreting it’s meaning to suit me or am I asking God to show me the truth from his Word. I have found that I have to be very open minded to accept what I thought I knew has been a lie and accept what I find to be true in the Bible I need to accept.
11 Timothy 4:3-5
3 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;
4 And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned into fables.
5 But watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of the ministry.
To me, this is saying that I hear from the churches and it’s leaders what I want to hear (heap teachers having itching ears) and justify my believe because I assume the church leaders are telling me the truth.
No where in the bible does it tells us to celebrate Jesus birth. Yet, every year we put a Christmas tree, lights, bribe our children to be good so Santa Claus comes to visit them with lots of toys, we hang stockings throughout our homes, nativity scenes are displayed everywhere even churches. We tells ourselves that we are celebrating Jesus birthday. If we think about it and really want to be honest with ourselves, we need to research the origins of Christmas and it’s traditions. Ask yourself are you really celebrating birth of Jesus? When did this tradition even start?
December 25th was reckoned the winter solstice, and it was regarded as the nativity of the Sun , because the day begins to lengthen and the power of the sun to increase from that turning point of the year. The Egyptians represented the new-born sun by the image off an infant (Yule)
To the Romans this date was know as “Saturnalia,” a time of deliberate debauchery. Drinking through repeated toasting-known as “wassail” was a feature of this celebration. The mistletoe was symbolized fornication, and the entire event was finished with a Great Feast, the Christmas Dinner.
Long before the fourth century, and long before the Christmas era itself, a festival was celebrated among the HEATHEN, at that precise time of the year, in honor of the birth of the son of the Babylonian queen of heaven, Isis, who claimed a full-grown evergreen tree sprang over night from a dead tree stump, which symbolized the springing forth unto new life the Nimrod. On each anniversary of his birth, she claimed Nimrod would visit the evergreen tree and leave gifts upon it.
The Christmas tree read Jeremiah 10:1-5
1 Hear ye the word which the Lord speaketh unto you, O house of Israel:
2 Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.
3 For the customs of the people are in vain, for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.
4 They (the heathen) deck it with silver and with gold; they (the heathen) fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
5 They (the heathen) are upright as the palm tree, but speak not: they (the heathen) must needs to be borne, because they (the heathen) cannot go. Be not afraid of them (the heathen); for they (the heathen) cannot do evil, neither also is it in them (the heathen) to do good.
I had no idea this was in the Bible!!!
The Christmas Tree is the sacred tree of the winter-god; the Druids believed the spirit of their god resided in the tree. Most ancient pagans knew the tree represented Nimrod-reincarnated into Tammuz! Pagans also looked upon the tree as a phallic symbol.
The mistletoe was used at the festival of the winter solstice because it was considered sacred to the SUN, because of its supposed miraculous healing power.
To the Druid’s the mistletoe is the sacred plant symbolizing pagan blessings of fertility-thus kissing under the mistletoe is the first step in the reproductive cycle.
Holly berries were also considered sacred to the sun-god.
The term Yule has various meanings; Babylonian name for “infant” or “little child” other countries say it means “wheel.”
Giving of gifts to each other on this day is not celebrating Jesus birth. You say, but the wise men from the east came to Jerusalem to give gifts to Jesus as an infant: It was not the day of his birth that they came to visit: Mathew 2:1-2 Jesus was born in Bethlehem and the wise men walked from Jerusalem to Bethlehem. Also, they gave Jesus gifts not exchange gifts.
Santa Claus: The name is a corruption of the name “St. Nicholas” a Roman Catholic bishop who lived in the 5th century. Encyclopedia Britannica, Vol 19, pages 648-9, 11th edition. St. Nicholas, bishop of Myra…a saint honored by the Greeks and Latins on the sixth of December…A legend of his surreptitious bestowal of dowries on the three daughters of an impoverished citizen… is said to have originated the old custom of giving present in secret on the eve of St. Nicholas (Dec 6).
The star, a 5 pointed star, the pentalpha is a powerful symbol of Satan, second only to the hexagram. The star is the sacred symbol of Nimrod and has nothing to do with Christianity.
Candles represent the sun god’s newly born fire. Pagans the world over love and use candles in their rituals and ceremonies. Certain colors are also thought to represent specific powers. The extensive use of candles is usually a very good indication that a service is pagan, regardless of the outward trappings.
Wreath’s are associated with fertility and the “circle of life” being circular, they also represent the female sexual organ.
Reindeer are horned animals presenting the “horned-god: or the “stag-god” of pagan religion. Santa traditionally has a team of eight reindeer; in Satanic geomatic, eight is the number of “new beginnings” or the cycle of reincarnation.
Elves are imp-like creatures who are Santa’s little helpers (or Satans demons).
Green and Red are the traditional colors of the season, as they are the traditional pagan colors of winter.
Information from: “Occult Holidays-or-God’s Holy Days-Which” by Fred R. Coulter and Encyclopedia Britannica
Share this:
Found in Mom’s Old Bible
A Love Letter
Dear Friend,
How are you? I just had to send a note to tell you how much I love you and care about you.
I saw you yesterday as you were talking with your friends. I waited all day, hoping you would want to talk with Me also. As evening drew near, I gave you a sunset to close your day and a cool breeze to rest you-and I waited. You never came. Oh, yes, it hurts Me-but I still love you because I am your friend.
I saw you fall asleep last night and longed to touch your brow, so I spilled moonlight upon your pillow and face. Again I waited, wanting to rush down so we could talk. I have so many gifts for you! You awakened late and rushed off to work. My tears were in the rain.
Today you looked so sad-so all alone. It makes My heart ache because I understand. My friends let Me down and hurt Me many times, too, but I Love you.
Oh, if only you would listen to Me. I Love you! I try to tell you in the blue sky and the quiet green grass. I whisper it in the leaves on the trees and breathe it in the colors of flowers. I shout it to you in the mountain streams and give the birds love songs to sing. I clothe you with warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you is deeper than the ocean and bigger than the biggest want or need in your head. Oh, if you only knew how much I want to walk and talk with you. We could spend an eternity together in heaven.
I know how hard it is on this earth: I really know! And I want to help you. I want you to meet My Father. He wants to help, you. My Father is that way, you, know.
Just call Me-ask Me-talk with Me! Oh, please don’t forget Me. I have so much to share with you!
All right, I won’t bother you any further. You are free to choose Me. It’s your decision. I have chosen you, and because of this I will wait-because I love you!
Your Friend,
Jesus
Share this:
Can We Really Know God Personally
Yes we definitely can:
Mathew 7:7-8 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; 8 for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
Oh, so I just have to ask and God will give knowledge freely? No,not at all!! We can have a personal relationship with God by reaing his word the Bible, pray for wisdom as you read and study. God is not a God of confusion. Most people myself included never really gave thought about having a personal reelationship with God. But through the Bible and learning through Jesus example we can get to know God on a personal level.
This is a very lengthy read, mainly because I chose to place the whole verse, so you do not have
look up the verses.
Why Read the Bible
G2Tim 3:16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
2Tim 3:17 That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.
He Gives us Strength
Exod 15:2 The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father’s God, and I will exalt him
Why a guilty conscious
Prov 3:12 For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
Why was Jesus scrificed
sa 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
Result of seeking out God
Isa 64:8 But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.
Matt 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Matt 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
Luke 6:36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.
John 10:30 I and my Father are one.
How God teaches us
John 14:26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.
He gives peace
Gal 1:3 Grace be to you and peace from God the Father, and from our Lord Jesus Christ,
He is merciful
1Chr 16:34 O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever.
He is compassionate
Ps 86:15 But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth.
He is merciful
Prov 16:6 By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil.
Jesus as our example
1Tim 1:16 Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might shew forth all longsuffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting.
Not partial wee all are eqaul
Jas 3:17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
Why be wise with gods wisom
Matt 7:24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
he leads us to the truth
Ps 25:5 Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.
A comforter
John 14:26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.
He is a jealous God
Nah 1:2 God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; the LORD will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.
What he hates
Prov 8:13 The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.
Serve god only
Matt 6:24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
We must love everyone just as Jesus did
1John 4:20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
Gives us gifts
Jer 9:24 But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the LORD which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the LORD.
Prov 15:12 A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise.
Tells us what is good in his eyes
Mic 6:8 He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
Matt 22:37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
John 14:21 He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.
Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Col 3:12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;
Strength to get through trials
Jas 1:12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.
1John 3:17 But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?
1John 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
Ps 18:30 As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.
Reward obedience
John 5:24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.
Eph 3:19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
Col 1:10 That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;
Share this:
What is Love
My favorite passages in the Bible is 1 Corinthians chapter 13.
Throughout the verse the word “charity” is used. As you read the chapter below think of the word “charity” as “love.” The use of the word in this passage does not have the same meaning as we use the word today.
Strong’s Greek and Hebrew Dictionary explains the word “charity.”
ag-ah’-pay
love, that is, affection ,benevolence specifically (plural) love feast, (feast of) charity ([-ably]), dear, love.
Total KJV occurrences: 116
1 Corinthians Chapter 13
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
Share this:
My Thoughts From Bible Study
Being disabled has given me a great deal of time to devote to reading and studying the Bible. I have been to many churches of various denominations, and assumed that ministers/preachers were teaching the truth from the Bible. After all they studied the Bible for years and claim to be servants of God, so they know more about God’s word than I do. Being examples for the congregation surely they wouldn’t lie or mislead members of the church. Well many of you probably think is a childlike attitude or very naïve. And you would be correct.
But, 25-30 years ago it was the norm to think of people as being trustworthy. We were taught to trust priests, policemen, teachers and others who held positions of authority. My family was Catholic at that time and had a priest visit our home frequently to bless it. With their beautiful cathedrals, the Sunday morning service was beautiful, filled with wonderful music to glorify God. When the news came out with accounts of Catholic priests molesting young boys many people began to question the validity of religious leaders. For me personally this was a huge eye-opener, no longer did I respect people who held positions of authority. But also began reading and studying the Bible not relying on someone else to teach me their truth.
For, many years I strayed and wandered in the world, lost and confused about who could be trusted. As time went by, I began questioning my believe and faith in God. I became a part of the worldly group, looking out for number one, finding new and exciting things to do, drinking, smoking even experimenting with drugs. It wasn’t until I experienced a couple of emotionally involved tragedies that I began to search for God, I needed comfort and strength and I wasn’t getting that from people around me but I had enough knowledge from Bible reading to know where to seek the comfort and strength I needed.
As I searched the Bible and various denominations I found myself becoming confused about religious beliefs. Churches were teaching one thing and doing the complete opposite, teaching things that were not in the Bible or twisted things from the Bible. At some point of my search, I decided to stop going to church but continued reading and studying the Bible. Then started praying for wisdom, knowledge and truth, this is when I began noticing that much of what I thought I knew about the Bible and church, was not at all what the Bible actually said.
Presently I find myself studying the Bible in a whole new light. I find free (freely you get freely you give), study material, compare verses and chapters, use two or more Bible versions and recently began looking at Hebrew and Greek words for a deeper understanding of God’s Word. What I am learning daily amazes me.
I have been thinking about starting a new page on my here for quite sometime, but much of what I am learning may offend some people, hurt their feelings or even find what I say as insensitive. I pray that you do not take my word for anything I say about the Bible. I urge you to spend some time daily reading your Bible, pray for understanding, be open minded enough to change your beliefs and look up any verses I quote in your own Bible. Make your Bible show you the truth and the way to eternal life.
The most intriguing thing I have learned about so far, is God’s Kingdom. This was the good news Jesus was teaching.
Share this:
Broken Soul in a Broken Body
This post is on my homepage and now on Writing 101 page. It explains my purpose for writing. I hope visitors to my site will read my posts, expecially those on “depression” and regarding “invisible illnesses.” My goal is to give the reader an idea of what people with these and other illnesses feel and think inside their mind and soul.
- The goal with blogging on this site is to get the reader emotionally involved when reading the posts.
- All blogs come from deep within my soul and all events come directly from real life experiences.
- I also want people to know what is going on inside a depressed person or other mental illness.
- Lastly, I want to remind all of us to not judge a person before we walk a mile in their shoes.
Share this:
Face Three of Three
Where I am Going to be With My “Invisible Illness”
Part Three of Three
First of all and most important of all, I will get closer to God. I will give him more of my time by studying his Word on a daily basis. I will love more and deeper, I will pray daily, I will definitely have more faith and less hope. Hope and faith cannot be compared, hope is like dreaming or wishing, while faith is believing with your heart, soul and mind in God. Faith is putting your trust in God and knowing that he will provide us with all our needs. Not what we think we need but, what he knows we need. “Mathew 6:34, Take therefor no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”
I will live and appreciate the person that I am. If I can’t learn to love this new me, that’s okay because I know in my heart that Jesus loves me no matter what. I will become more patient, not that I have much say in this. Since my body and mind move so slow these days anyway. I am a work in progress!
I will take the time to smell the roses. Oh! How I will appreciate the beauty that God created for us to enjoy. To sit out on the porch more often and take in the breathtaking sunrises, sunsets, the moon that gives light to us at night and the stars that sparkle and shine above us in the night. Mom always said that each star you see in heaven, represents a person that passed away. I know that we do not go to heaven upon our death, we just go to sleep until judgment day. But I still love mom’s inspirational perspective.
When I take the time to look around me and see all that He has created and appreciate the beauty God has given us here and now. I find peace and tranquility within those moments that I spend reflecting and awing at the intricate details of all my surroundings from the blade of grass to the towering mountains. This peace and serenity will see me through the trials and tribulations.
I will pray for strength to avoid worrying about things I cannot change and change the things I can. Worrying doesn’t change any outcome of a situation, but prayer and faith can change any and all circumstances. And, I cannot change on my own, I have tried and it didn’t work. But, my studying His word, prayer and totally undoubting faith he can change me from the inside.
I will contribute to the world with whatever special gift or talent that God sees fit to give me. Throughout my years he has provided with me a great deal of insight and wisdom. Often times I was embarrassed or ashamed to share it, or thought it would be wasted on a particular person. But, that judgment was not mine to make, God would not have provided me that insight if He did not mean for me to use it. I have made a lot of mistakes and bad choices, mainly because I was not listening to God. I tend to think I know what is best and who will accept the knowledge that generously given to me. Every time I used knowledge is a manner I thought was best, it turns out it was either wrong advice or wrong timing.
I don’t know if God as caused these “invisible illnesses” which I have. But, because of these I find myself a lot less judgmental of people. He constantly reminds me that I do not know a person’s story or what they may be going through at any given moment. A homeless person is usually judged to be lazy, unmotivated, wants a handout or they have created their own hardship. Through my experiences: fires that burned our homes to the ground and left us with only the clothes on our backs; a baby who came into the world and called away at 2 months old; 10 years of being heartbroken because we could not have a child; being blessed with a child at a time totally unexpected; the heartbreak of watching a loved one die of a slow painful death; the illnesses I live with each day and blame for some of the actions and decisions I have made. I love these two quotes “don’t judge a book by its cover.” and “don’t judge a person till you have walked a mile in their shoes.”
People look at me and may talk to me, and generally decide what kind of person I am because of my outward appearance. Most do not take the time to know who I am deep inside. They judge me without knowing my story or history. God has given me the wisdom to know this and desires that I do not judge someone or base my opinion of them by outward appearance. He doesn’t even ask that I learn their story, he requires of me to just freely love and give and leave the judging to Him. He tells us that vengeance is His.
I will pray earnestly for physical and mental strength to push myself beyond my “invisible illnesses.” I can then be the example, lead others to believe in the power of God. To those who personally know me, no words will need to be said. To people who do not personally know me I can share my story and praise God by giving him the Glory.
Jesus saith unto him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” John 14:6
Share this:
Where I Am Now with My “Invisible Illness”
This is a letter written to my “in Invisible llnesses.” This was written almost two years ago. I was very angry and extremely depressed because of what had become of my life. All those dreams I had and all those physical activities I had been able to do were gone. I felt like my whole life had been stolen from me and couldn’t imagine what my life would be like at that time and in the future. I am not angry about it now but still have days where I like I am in a deep deep and very dark pit and can’t see anyway I out. I don’t know which bothers me most, the non stop pain, the chronic fatigue that is with me everyday or the problem with breathing if I overdo physical activity. These activities are simple everyday things, doing dishes, laundry, running the vacuum cleaner.
Dear: “Invisible Illness” this page will one day soon be an obituary for you. I absolutely, positively, HATE you and what you have stole from me. Someday real soon, I will reclaim my body regardless of the damage you have inflicted on it. My body will not be as it once was and I will not be as I once was. But, a new person will find a way to fight you and conquer. My hatred for you, somehow, someway has to beat you!
I really can’t pinpoint when all this began. Before I was pregnant with DJ, I was taking antidepressants. I believe depression is an illness that someone is born with. You don’t just acquire it one day, it may lay dormant in one’s body for awhile and then something happens and wakes it up.
Please, dear readers, please take something from my pages and learn so that you can help anyone who suffers from any illness. People with depression cannot be consoled, just hold them tight and let them know you love them, that really is about all you do for them. And don’t fool yourselves, depression is more than sadness you feel due to a sad event. It is a chemical imbalance in a person’s brain. Don’t ask someone with depression: Why are you sad, what do you have to be sad about? Although, this wasn’t officially diagnosed until 2013. You are despised, hated and must be beat.
Back in 1994 we had a daycare, hopefully you read ”Face One of Three”, I talk about the daycare and how good it was going. Also mentioned was the Stained glass business. Financially were doing great, kinda like riding a bike on a smooth, flat surface. In 1996 I finally got pregnant after 15 years. We were shocked , and ecstatic. But, this threw my hormones way out of whack and this is where my old self died and “Invisible Illness” took over. “Invisible Illness” I know you did this and I let you. Oh, how I hate you!
She had an appointment to see a doctor but, before she could see her saw you through her hormones out of whack. Depression and total confusion took over her very sense of being. She simply woke one morning decided she was going to close the daycare. You didn’t even give her the opportunity to talk to her husband about it. You just jumped in and made her impulsively take action, this was not her it was you. You took over her body and wrote a big sign, took everything that was related to the daycare, put in in the front yard and hung up the sing which simply said “Free.” It’s strange, she didn’t feel any emotion at that time, no sadness, no worries about how her family was now going to pay their, just empty.
To keep themselves a float for a few months, they had no choice but sell of the Stained glass supplies. Do you have any ides what you caused. They lost their home and are clueless how they will pick up the pieces you so thoughtlessly left for them.
She continuously went to the doctor with one complaint after another and he ordered medication and all sorts of tests only to find nothing wrong After awhile, she thinks her family physician saw her as a hypochondriac and stopped taking her complaints serious. He still saw her, got his paycheck on Friday, but didn’t seem like he was actually hearing her. She wanted to scream at him! Tell him that something is wrong, are you not listening to me! You are the doctor, you are suppose to heal people when they are sick! Fix me!!!
To get rid of her he referred her to a specialist, a Rheumatologist. Even this doctor cannot defeat you, how did you become so strong. Oh, she know, you are growing stronger by stealing all her energy, hope and dreams. Oh, how I HATE you! One illnesses diagnosis at a time was ruled out until we were left with one diagnosis “Fibromyalgia” thats a NASTY word. In the medical field this is referred to as “garbage bag” term. All of our symptoms get thrown into one garbage bag and that’s it no more testing. The problem with that logic is usually when a trash bag is full, it is tied up and taken to the curb to wait to go to the dump. Well, her symptoms were filling up that garbage bag but, nobody was taking out to the street. The bag just continued to be stuffed, one day that bag is going bust. Why doesn’t somebody just take this dam garbage bag out for the trash man? Oh, why she asks can’t I git rid of you. Go away, I wish Jesus would come down and take you and throw you into the fiery pits of hell.
In 2009, the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia was official, along with several other illnesses. At first she was glad to finally get a diagnosis, to put a name to on all these symptoms. But after researching for various remedies she realized how meaningless this diagnosis really is. How can you be so strong so as to fool society as well! I She thought she was loosing my mind back then, now she just plain know, she have lost her mind. For 20 years you made her so feel so hopeless, she resorted to drinking and taking prescription medication. Because of you, she became dependent on these to get through each and everyday. Like you didn’t already have enough of her!! Come on stop enough is enough already!! She barely has anything left for you to take!! Won’t you leave her something, please?!!
I guess, she hasn’t lost her mind, she knows where it is, you stoled it. She doesn’t know how to get it back. Her life has been stolen by this illness, you control her mind and her body. You have created a new “her” and she does not like this new person at all. She completely stopped dreaming of a brighter future or of a better life. She no longer wants to grow old with her husband, because she feels like a burden. No longer is this person peppy and full of life. You stole her positive, hopeful disposition. She is defeated and beat down. She is always extremely tired and doesn’t want to fight anymore. You have sucked up all her energy and desire to go out of the house and live.
You have taken away the desire to do the things that David and her used to love to do. She can’t hike, she can barely walk on flat ground without loosing her balance. She lives in a body wretched with pain every day. She walks like a drunk, always stumbling into things.
You have taken her from a 106 pound person to a 230 pound body, which she can’t stand to look at. You have stripped her of the ability to exercise, so therefore this body is extremely deconditioned. How can she loose weight, you won’t let her exercise. You have drained this body of all energy, stamina and ability to physically be active. You won’t even let her breath enough air for her to take short walks. Why, do you feel the need to continue to torment her!!! Haven’t you been listening! She HATES you! Go away!
Her dream of being a proud recipient of a Master’s degree has vanished. She went from an A student, to one who couldn’t complete research papers, project or homework assignments. You took one of her favorite skills and made into a daily challenge “reading.” What kind of thing are you anyway? She thinks you are a demon sent from Hell! Oh, you just wait and see, someday you will be sent back to where you came from!
Sometime she can’t sleep for days, other times she sleeps for days. She can’t focus, comprehend, can’t think of words when she is talking, sometimes she can’t even follow a conversation. She can’t even pretend to be intelligent, she acts like a dam fool.
Her ability to be creative and crafty is gone. She can’t knit, crotchet or do anything that requires following directions. Painting, wood carving, wood burning or other such crafts can longer be a part of her. You have made her fingers stiff and painful.
She has panic and anxiety attacks that go on for hours. You made them feel like a heart attack, so she would go to the ER only to appear like a fool. She cries at random moments and for no apparent reason. She is becoming an angry, irritated old hag. She has stopped trying to get people to believe this illness is real and the symptoms as well. She doesn’t even care if people don’t believe this is real, there’s no point. What you do to her body sounds ridiculous even to her, how can she expect others to believe her. You are grinding away at her nerves, she feels like exploding at times. Go away already!!! Please, leave her alone!!!
She even finds herself thinking the unthinkable, suicide, the thought doesn’t even scare her. But, God must have plans for her, because twice she went beyond thinking of suicide. But here she is, both times God sent an Angel to her and prevented her from going through with the suicide. But, thanks to you that thought always lingers in mind. That Angel swoops down and reminds her of who she would be hurting the most, her family.
You may always be a part of her life. A companion she will always have to live with. As long as she believes you came from the pits of Hell, there must be hope. Because, God never looses a fight!!! Someway, somehow, someday you will no longer control her soul. You have managed to beat down that soul for years. You have quenched the sparks that were way down deep into her very sense of being. She can’t hardly remember who she was before. But, some time real soon, with God’s help you will be defeated
get_post_custom_values()
Share this:
Face One: Where I was Before My “Invisible illnesses”
Face One of Three
The best place to start this is when I met my current husband. Around April of 1981 David and I were introduced to each by his sister, Mary Jane, thank you for that. He was so cute, even at 22 he had this innocent look to him. His hair was blond and had the cutest curls, which I would bet he did not like.
David owned a motorcycle, Honda Goldwing, he would ride his motorcycle up to November, unless there was snow on the ground. He would ride for hours with no particular place in mind. He enjoyed having the wind blow the cobwebs out of his mind. Until it became a law in Indiana, he did not wear a helmet.
We visited so many places on that bike: Smokey Mountains, Tennessee; Mammoth Cave, Kentucky; Madison County seeing the various covered bridges, so many other places I can’t remember the names of the places. Smokey Mountains is/and always will be our favorite place to visit. Every time we went there we made the trek all the way up to the top of Clingmans Dome. One has to be in pretty physical shape to climb this. But, the view makes the hike worth every step.
He was/still is a quite kinda guy, but when he speaks he either makes you laugh, think he’s a smart ass, or you learn to ignore his comments. He isn’t really a distrusting sort of person, but he has a great sense of awareness regarding human nature. He has these qualities about him that I took for granted up until now. He is a stable, humble, honest, hard working, dependable, stick-to-it-ness person (my made up word for always finishing what he starts). He means more to me than he will every know, because the love and respect I have for him is so monumental to express.
May of 1982 we got married, in 1992 we renewed out vows. Had a wonderful church wedding with our family and friends. We rented a cabin for the weekend that slept 20 people. The place had a 50 acre lake which was surrounded with tall magnificent tress. Everyone had a great time, despite all the drinking taking place, there was no accidents and no drama. Just a great time.
In 1992 we adopted our daughter, Keera Lynn, who is now 21 and a mother of two. She was Gods great miracle for us, after trying for 10 years to have a child we had given up. In 1996 God blessed us with another miracle, DJ, currently 17. We enjoyed and loved our kids very much, even at the roughest teenage years. We had a great time with the kids, we would go to the YMCA and swim and play in the pool. Many weekends we spend driving to various parks in Indiana, hiked their trails and taught our kids to love nature.
We loved to hike and sometimes we would aimlessly walk through woods, fields and corn fields for hours. We loved to go camping, sitting by the fire doing nothing or roasting hot dogs and marsh mellows over the fire. We were always find new places to camp and share with our family.
One day we were visiting Owen county in southern Indiana. We had read about this realtor that was selling parcels of land for very low prices and on contract. We went into his office and one of his sales people took us out to a 5 acre lot, we ended up buying two lots for a total of 10 acres. It was at the end of a road, which actually was non-existent at this time, we had to trek up a muddy non graveled soon to be road to get to the land. Immediately upon seeing this ground we knew it was meant for us, back at his office we wanted to purchase it. But between the two of us only at ten dollars cash with us. This guy took our ten dollars and wrote up the contract and held this ground for us until we returned with the required down payment.
We spent 3 years living off the land or grid as some call it. We purchased a gently used 1 bedroom travel trailer, which became our home for the next three years. There was no pasture here, just hills, hollers and deep forest. So we spent a great deal of time clearing enough ground to raise animals on. I learned quickly to only name the animals that we would not butcher. Our land was full of life; milk goats, Hansel and Gretel; chickens and roosters galores; rabbits; pigs; turkeys and anything else we could find. We purchased an old tractor since we had to go about 3 miles for water. We had no phone and no electricity We purchased a well drilling machine, along with 2 other people, but gave up after about 200 feet. When it was warm and it rained we took showers under the gutters. And what land would be complete without an outhouse.
I was into all sorts of crafts: knitting, crocheting and sewing, painting anything requiring creativity. I made blankets,afghans, sweaters and loved to make the kids, what I thought were the cutest outfits. I learned to carve charactures from a block of wood and learned wood burning as well. David and I took a Stained Glass class together we enjoyed it so much we opened up a stained glass shop. We made windows, lamp shades and repaired lamp shades as well. We purchased a kiln and learn the art of glass molting. I loved going to antique shops and flea markets looking for items that could be restored.
We also opened a daycare from our home. I researched what was required, who to contact and set the home up per state requirements. We took care 18 children five days a week, we were considering turning it into a preschool. I researched into applying for a food voucher program out state had for licensed daycares. This required creating 5 menus each quarter that we had to rotate for that 3 month period. Each meal had certain required food that had to be included in at least one of the 5 menus. We played with kids out side everyday, unless it was raining. We had two pools, one small one for the littler kids and a large one for the older ones.
I loved to roller-skate and ice-skate. Build snow men, make snow angles walk in freezing cold temperatures and feel the cold, enjoy the beauty of a fresh snow covering trees and the ground. Enjoy returning home and warming ourselves with a hot cup of hot chocolate with mini marsh mellows.
I took belly dance lessons for 4 years. Claimed a room in the house as my own little studio. Painted and decorated it with tapestry imitating what was used in Egypt, had incense burners. Put in my own little stereo, purchased numerous Cd’s to dance to. I purchased lightweight type of material to make my own dance outfits, I hand sew hundreds of sequence on them to create a glittery sparkle to the outfits..
I had more ambition and energy than one person could ever ask for. I worked, attended college either full time or part time for 20 years. I loved learning, I always said if they would pay me to be a student, I would be one till I pass away. I eventually earned my Bachelors degree in Elementary Education. Sorry to say I never got a teaching position, I did however, remain a substitute teacher for 4 years and enjoyed it immensely. After graduating with a Bachelors degree, I went on to enroll in a Master degree program in Networking Engineering. I was taking calculus level math classes and learning computer programing languages. Kept an A average the whole time graduate cum laud in Bachelors program. I loved doing the research and writing papers 15-20 pages long, completing projects was a breeze.
I was the high energy, peppy one in our family, who lived life to its fullest and enjoyed every moment of it. I always dreamed I could do whatever and be whatever I wanted to be. Even when life threw me a curve ball, I was still happy and always saying how much I loved life. I was the one that had positive comments for any negative remarks about life. I also was fortunate in having the most faith in God in our family, scratch that, mom had the most. I loved to read the Bible, always tried to hear God’s message when disaster struck. No matter what was going on I was happy and could always honestly say I loved live.
get_post_custom()
get_post_custom_keys()
Share this:
Music Future Goal
I always wanted to learn to sing. Not professionally, just be able to sing along with a song and keep in rhythm. Singing in a church choir would be nice or at least feel confident enough to sing loudly as a part of the assembly.
Everybody is born with ability to sing, the key to being a good singer is for a person at a young age be introduced to music. introduced to music at a young age.There are many ways this can happen;listening to music at home, taking music classes at school, taking private music lessons or being exposed to music by a parent who has some musical knowledge.Todays music class in school provide basic skills; singing in proper key, following a music sheet, some basic musical instrument introduction and reading musical notes. Listening to music at home is most beneficial if an adult has some musical talent. Taking music lessons early in life is best way to go, the problem with this is family situation doesn’t allow for this luxury.
In my case several of the above factors were not available to me. Being from a broken home money for lessons was not an option.We listened to music a lot growing up but nobody in the home as musical abilities. Low self-esteem was another barrier, I hated the sound of my voice, it is a very loud and deep. So my singing remained out of key, tune and out of timing with songs.
One christmas I was given an organ a very small one but nonetheless an organ. I was so happy for this gift that the thought of how I would learn to play it never entered my mind. My mother bought me a book with various songs in it, but it was not for beginners but for talented musicians. She wasn’t being mean or teasing me but having no music skills herself she thought she was giving me something to help me learn with. Now, I know some people can teach themselves, but I was not one of those people. I quickly got bored with organ due to not being able to learn to play it.
Once I left home I was occupied with other things and forgot about learning to sing. There was travelling, kids to raise, college ;and just living life. I sang along when listening to music and occasionally a great song would play that made me dream about being musically inclined. I could hear my own voice and was very critical of it. I could also hear myself sing out of key, tune and either starting a word too early or late. As harsh as I was on my singing I continued to sing along with songs I loved.
Some of my favorite singers were the: Carpenters, Eddie Money, Elvis Presley, Jackson Five just to name a few. When I would hear my favorite song I would sing my heart out no matter how bad I sounded. But, I was always aware of my lack of music talent. Even today at 55 years old I am aware I can’t sing but I find myself thinking a great deal on taking singing lessons. Not to be a professional, just to be confident enough to sing in public as a I walk or singing along with the radio. I also would like to have enough music talent to be in a church choir.
Who knows, maybe one day I will take singing lessons and at least be able to carry a tune when singing along.
Life Through My Eyes 